i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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