when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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