A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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