Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
