I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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