Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
