Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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