I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
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