dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
