Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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