I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
