i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
we're so committed to being not committed
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