I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Just pee around me
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
