I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
