I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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