Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
