I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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