I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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