Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
