i jhust puked up my retainher.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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