Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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