She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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