insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
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