oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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