I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
