i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I'm experimenting with sincerity
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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