Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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