dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
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We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
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Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
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