you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
