Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
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