so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
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At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
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Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize