you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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