did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
