This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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