Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
birth control should be required to get into college
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
that may or may not have been my penis.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
