My boss' voice literally gives me gas
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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