I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
