Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
