Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
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And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
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Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
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