Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
