its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
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