when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Randomize
