This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I think I just sharted jello shots
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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