Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Randomize
