I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
