your parents love me but you hate me
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
