I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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