What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
