mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.