I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving