my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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