My underwear smells like fireworks.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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