Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
