i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
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DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
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I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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