i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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