I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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