Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
